I’ve been silent in the blog world lately, and not for no good reason, either. The monster that constantly lurks in my shoulders, neck, and head has come out in full force, attacking me on a daily basis. What I’ve come to realize though, is that I have been unwittingly feeding it for quite some time. And all that food has made one heck of a beast.
Stress is what gets me. Tension. Worry. Anxiety. You name it, I start doing it the moment I wake up. But instead of letting all those little niggling fears and worries roll off my back, I dwell on them. I allow them to sink in, telling me who I am and what I’m not (a good mother, wife, daughter, friend).
Sounds melodramatic, huh? It is. But it’s something that happens automatically. Here’s an example:
This morning I was making breakfast for Griffin and Jeremy. We were all in the kitchen, having a relaxing Saturday morning. Two pans were going with different styles of eggs, the kettle was just beginning to boil, and Griffin was squealing with delight at some type of kitchen utensil Jeremy was letting him explore.
But I didn’t see the joy in it.
I was stressed because one pan was cooking too slowly, and the other was beginning to burn. The kettle was whistling but Jeremy hadn’t yet cleaned out a cup. I still had to wipe down the high chair from yesterday, and Griffin’s screams were translated into frantic calls for food. I couldn’t take care of it all. Internally, I was telling myself that I couldn’t handle all the noise, the activity, the stress of a Saturday morning breakfast with my family.
It came to a boiling point (the situation, not the kettle), and my wonderful husband sat me down at breakfast and talked to me about it all. We discussed the fact that my shoulders and neck were now aching, threatening a migraine (which would be almost 14 consecutive days of headache). I knew, of course, that part of the problem was my allowing Satan to get into my head and feed the monster massive amounts of the food it liked best.
Now certainly there are times when a migraine comes on for no apparent reason. Many times in the last two weeks, in fact; no amount of massage or medication has been able to prevent an afternoon of solitude with ice packs and darkness. But by and large, it’s gotten out of control because I’ve allowed Satan such a foothold when it comes to fear.
I fear that I won’t be able to do enough, be good enough, be smart enough.
My migraines are tension/muscle related. The tension is caused by stressors, and the stressors are caused by types of fear. That fear is certainly not of God. With this in mind, these migraines can be healed!
That’s not to say I’m not going to specialists and getting to the bottom of this serious problem. God may be able to heal it, but I have to be proactive. It’s effecting every aspect of my life, including school and motherhood, my two “jobs”. On Monday, I have an appointment with someone that works for the Tennessee Titans – he knows all about serious muscular conditions. I’ve also resumed going to Acupuncture each week, and have visited a Neurologist (although I’m still in the market for one that would like to resolve the issue and not simply medicate me).
But the thing that worked the best today wasn’t any of the above. It was yoga. The volume on my computer got turned down as I did one of my favorite online videos, and worship music was cranked up full blast. I took a que from Mandy over at She Breathes Deeply, and allowed God into my tight places. As I breathed, I consciously thought of my neck, shoulders, and head, asking him to work there and rid me of this debilitating fear – the root of the problem.
And you know what? Today is the first day in I can’t remember how long that I haven’t taken a migraine pill.